I was in 6th grade when Jackie left, she was only 11 years old. She was the first friend that I made when I started going to Washington Middle School. It was my first year in Aurora and I didn’t know anyone. Jackie had been there her whole life and at first, I didn’t understand what she saw in hanging out with me.
I later found out that Jackie befriended anyone who she had met, or she tried to. In the beginning, I didn’t really pay her much attention. She was determined though, more so than anyone I ever knew. Eventually, I let her in, then I couldn’t wait to get to school. Not so much because I liked to learn, even though I did. It was always so I could see Jackie. She was always so bright, all she had to do was walk into a room and if you were feeling the slightest bit unhappy, she changed that. Her personality couldn’t be described any other way but light. She was like my candle in the dark. I finally felt like I belonged.
I guess you could say all good things come to an end. Jackie’s parents were filing for divorce and Jackie wasn’t taking the news too well. They had been married for 12 years. I remember one day at school, we were at lunch and she asked me why life was so cruel. I remember having to think about it for a minute and then I told her that life was only there for you to live. It’s only cruel if you let it be.
I came back to reality numb and not feeling anything. I went to class like normal for about a week and then all of a sudden it hit me. I collapsed, literally, I was in the middle of Music, we were in the middle of warm-ups when everything went black. The next thing I remember is waking up 3 days later in a room in Mercy Center. My Dad was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. Then I saw my mother. She was on her knees at the foot of the bed crying. Why was she here? What was going on?
Then it all came back, Jackie, my best friend, my sister, was dead. I must have made a sound because my Dad’s head snapped up and he saw that my eyes were open and I guess it all came loose. I break down, my throat was dry so all that all came out of my mouth was a choking sound.
All at once my parents were at my side and I couldn’t think or move, all I could do was cry. When my Mom finally calmed me down I had gotten a hold of my surroundings and then I realized that my Dad was crying. I was shocked, Dad never cried, never. Yet here he was, sitting next to my bed holding my hand, his cheeks stained with tears. I was frozen, I didn’t know what to do. “It’s okay” I croaked. That just made it worse, my mom looked like she was having a seizure. She was crying so hard that SHE was almost having a breakdown. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t think, it was maddening.
The doctor came in a couple of minutes later, she asked me the basic questions, (are you dizzy nauseous, or confused) I said no to the first two but I asked him what day it was because I had no idea, he told me that it was Wednesday, Jacki died on Sunday, that meant that I had been in the hospital for 3 days. When I asked the doctor if I could go home she
hesitated to answer, I told her that I was fine and all I wanted to do was go home and get some rest before school tomorrow.
When she looked at me I knew that there was something going on. She wanted to tell me something but was worried about how I would react. I realized this and I said, “Just say what you need to say because I am so done with being tiptoed around, I don’t need people to walk on eggshells around me.” She gave me a surprised smile, although my parents said nothing, I was always quick to pick up on others emotions. They showed no surprise at all. I think that they were waiting for me to have a meltdown or something, I knew that I wouldn’t though, I was usually good at suppressing the bad things that happen to me.
I had a lot of practice shutting away my emotions, so half the time no one really knew how I was feeling. I was really good at it, or so people told me. The nurse looked at my parents before addressing me. Then she asked, “Are you sure you feel well enough to go home?” A look at my parents was all it took.
I honestly wasn’t really sure that I wanted to go back to school after I got out of the hospital despite what I had said to the nurse. I still felt the pain of Jacki’s death. I remember one day, we were on our way to lunch and she asked me “Would you miss me if I left.” I didn’t really know what she meant until the day she was gone.
You know that saying “I’ll believe it when I see it” no one saw any sign if Jacki going blank, no one but me. Every now and then her eyes would darken and she would gaze off into the distance and would jump out of her skin if I touched her arm to pull her back. No one knew what was going on. Eventually, it got to a point to where I had to talk to her mom about it. What I saw scared the hell out of me. After about two weeks I went to talk to Lizzy (her mom), she had just gotten off of work and I skipped my volleyball practice so I could get there in time. I was sitting on the front steps when she pulled up in her old Rabbit. There was a look of complete shock on her face when she saw me sitting there.
I took a breath before standing up to meet her, she looked like she was preparing herself for whatever I was going to say. I was only able to meet her halfway to the driveway when she said “Maybe we should go inside,” When we were comfortably seated on her couch I started right in. “What is going on?” I asked her. She sighed and hung her head. I pushed a little “Lizzy, what’s wrong, why is Jackie acting like a total zombie?”
Lizzy was trying to hide something from me, I could tell. I had known her for long enough to know when she doesn’t want to tell me something. I asked her again, “Lizzy, please, tell me what’s going on, I want to help.” She gave me a weak smile and said, “You can’t fix everything M, Jacki’s upset because her father and I are getting a divorce… he moved out last week.”
I already knew that and Jacki was still talking then. “Is there something else?” I asked. Lizzy hesitated to answer, “I’m not sure but I think that she blames herself for the divorce. I’m not positive.” That was it, it had to be, it was like Jacki to blame herself for things that she had no control over. I gave Lizzy a hug said goodbye and walked home thinking about why Jacki would want to blame herself for this. There had to be a reason, there always was.
The next day at school when I sat next to Jacki. I noticed how pale and tired she looked. I asked her how she was feeling, and she gave me a weak and I mean a barely-there smile, and said: “I’m okay.” I don’t know what scared me more, the way she was trying to cover up her feelings, or the nagging feeling that I was missing something.
Then came her birthday. Lizzy had made plans to take her out to dinner then they would go home and they would have a Jem marathon. Those plans got messed up when Lizzy’s boss said that she needed to go out of town, on Jacki’s birthday. Jacki was really upset, and she didn’t come out of her room.
I got a call from her grandmother who was watching her. I called some of our best friends and told them the details. I made flower crowns for the party, her mom told me that when Jacki was little, she would make her the crowns for her birthday and Jacki loved them. Katie brought the cupcakes, my mom took me to the store and we bought all of Jacki favorites. Mini creme pies, sparkling grape juice, an underwater-themed ice cream cake, and Roman candles. Katie made cupcakes and I brought the entire Gilmore Girls series. Leah went to Target and bought blue faerie lights.
When we showed up, Leah, Katie, and I went through the back gates. First, we strung up the lights and we set up the cake and the treats. Then I went in to get Jacki, she was sitting on her bed watching Fallen. She took one look at me and said, “Best birthday ever, Mom bails and the night ends with a war of angels.”
I rolled my eyes and said,” Hurry up and go get your party dress.” Jacki just looked at me, I gave her the “do it now” look and she got up and went to her closet. I told her to meet me downstairs when she was ready. Five minutes later she came down the stairs wearing a pale pink sundress I presented her with her flower crown, covered her eyes and lead her out to the back porch where the girls were waiting, Katie hit the lights, and I uncovered Jacki’s eyes and went to stand next to Leah, who was lighting the candles of her cake.
I looked at Jacki and saw tears in her eyes. That’s how I knew we did well. After we sang Happy Birthday, I went to the freezer where I had stashed the ice cream and pie and all of the other frozen treats Mom and I had bought at the store. After we finished our sweets we all gathered around the flat screen, it was time for the ultimate marathon. Binging all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls while having Popcorn with extra salt tossed with milk duds. I knew the second I sat on that couch I would never forget this moment.
To this day Jacki is still with me. I see her in the sky and in the flowers that grow by my house. She is everywhere. Sometimes the feeling of loss will hit me. It is then that I feel the full impact of how much I miss her. However, God help me if she ever heard that, she would have wanted me to move on. She was always so bright and mischievous, what happened to her just shows that even lightest people can feel alone in the dark.
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